# 34. He's Not That Guy

I have a long list of reasons why I am marrying my fiance, including his passion for the Lord; his unequivocal pursuit of my heart; his strength and comittment to building a healthy relationship; his dedication to social justice and compassion for hurting people; his sarcastic, goofy sense of humor; his admirable work ethic and responsibility. Those are the big things at the top of the list.

Somewhere down towards the middle of the list, between #33. Humbles Me in Speed Scrabble Any Chance He Gets and #35. Makes the Best Hummus I've Ever Had, is this fact: #34. He's Not That Guy.

I've known That Guy, and gone out on a bunch of first dates with That Guy, and I am proud to say that My Guy? Is not That Guy!

Thanks to Sars and Miss Alli (and Regina, apparently) at www.tomatonation.com for making me laugh.

Sars: Whenever a guy whom you initially think is interesting winds up being the same kind of emotionally stunted schmuck you thought you'd dodged this time, there's this "ohhhhh NO . . . he's THAT guy" revelation.

Alli: Exactly. And it's all just so unoriginal. I would at least like someone to come up with a new way of sucking. I've seriously had it with the quasi-dark-souled quasi-artistic Black Turtleneck Slacker, the reigning King of Irony with his collection of Kool-Aid memorabilia, and especially the Smirking Self-Professed Feisty-Girl-Liker who is secretly afraid of every woman except his mom.

Sars: Oh, man. And let's not forget Told He Was Cute Too Many Times In High School Guy and I Know Everything About Your Internet Business Because I Read Forbes Once A Year Ago Guy.

Alli: That's really wrong. Be glad you live in the wrong part of the country for Yes, In Fact I Did Kill That Myself Guy.

Sars: Ew.

Regina: What about Oh, I Don't Watch TV Guy?

Sars: Doesn't Watch TV Guy sucks.

Regina: You know he watches America's Funniest Home Videos.

Sars: Hee. Totally.

Alli: And don't even get me started on Have I Casually Mentioned My SAT Scores Guy. Ooh, I hate that guy.

Sars: What about You'd Better Like My Friends Because You'll Never See Me Without Them Guy?

Alli: And his buddy I Don't Quite Live With My Parents But I Have All Their Old Furniture Guy, and the buddy's roommate, Gets All His Current Events Information From Watching Fox News While Eating Froot Loops Guy, kicked back in the living room.

Sars: Right next to Repeats But Does Not Comprehend Or Accurately Attribute Deep Thoughts Guy, whose acoustic guitar case says "I DON'T BELIEVE IN BEATLES, I JUST BELIEVE IN ME -- FERRIS BUELLER."

Alli: Poor John Lennon.

Sars: That Guy's a close relative of Surely You Don't Listen To The Corporate Schlock Masquerading As Pop Music These Days Guy.

Alli: Who has no friends.

Sars: But is a spiritual brother to Tolerate My Obscure and Painful Jazz Collection Guy.

Alli: And now, let's all wave to Has No Sense Of Humor About Getting Salsa On His Pants Guy.

Regina: How can you have no sense of humor about that? It's salsa! It's your pants!

Sars: And yet he's unamused.

Alli: That seems impossible.

Regina: You know who else is not very funny? I Am Writing The Great American Novel So You Can Get The Check Again Guy.

Alli: Ah, yes. And There's Only One Place To Sit In My Apartment And I Sit There Because It Faces The PlayStation, So Make Yourself Comfortable On That Plastic Crate With The Folded Blanket On It Guy.

Regina: Oh, wait. Is he the same as Hey Why Don't I Make You Dinner, Oh Wait The Only Things In The Fridge Are An Opened Can Of Schlitz And Half An Egg Roll, So Why Don't We Just Run Down To Burrito Palace And Pick Up Some Nachos To Go Or Something Guy? Because he sounds vaguely familiar.

Sars: Yeah, that's him. On Opposite Day he takes the guise of I Went To Italy On My Parents' Credit Card For Two Weeks, And Now I'm A Fascist About Olive Oil And Can't Consider Funyuns A "Valid" Snack, Even Ironically Guy.

Regina: Hee, Opposite Day.

Alli: Snacks are a double-edged sword, though. I'm not crazy about I Eat Circus Peanuts And Pez For Lunch Because It Gives Me A Sense Of Whimsy Guy either.

Sars: He's eating circus peanuts. Nobody is excited about that guy except the Brach's Corporation, and even they're like, "We have to keep making these things? What is WITH That Guy?" On the other hand, he's better than I Just Want To Be As Honest As I Can Guy.

Alli: Oh, but how can you be mad at him when he's a jerk? He Just Wants To Be As Honest As He Can! It's not his fault! Nothing is his fault! He's just being honest!

Regina: The problem with That Guy is that he is totally not genuine. Or interesting.

Sars: Or he treats you like, because you're a woman, you're just some kind of irrational swirl of nonsensical behaviors. Don't do that, That Guy.

Alli: He can't help it. He's just That Guy!

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So in case you were wondering about some of the reasons why I love my fiance...

# 34. He's Not That Guy.