Odds and Ends

I'm cleaning out my email in-box, and I ran across a couple of funny memories from my summer in Lithuania.

Lithuanian farmers keep cows out in the fields near the houses by tying a rope around the cow's neck, and attaching it to a big 5-gallon-bucket-size cement boulder.

The cow can walk around a bit, but won't go too far.

So I was looking at several black-and-white cows in a field, and then I see this stork nearby. You know, a big black and white bird with long legs and a big bill...very common here.

Suddenly in my head, I imagined the stork and all his stork buddies protesting this cruel treatment of cows, by tying themselves up to ropes with little plastic cups full of cement on the ends, making a peaceful picket-line along the highway.


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Also worthy of note: Actual sample sentences from my grammar book on comparative and superlative adjectives.

Superman is tough.

Tarzan is tougher than Superman.

But I, Big Bird, am the toughest of all.

God's fridge

Thou Knowest by Katharine Lee Bates

Thou knowest, Thou Who art the soul of all
Selfless endeavor, how I longed to make
This deed of mine, adventured for love's sake,
Thy deed,--sweet grapes upon a sunny wall,
A rose whose petals into fragrance fall,
A glint of heaven glassed in some lonely lake
Amidst the heather and the fringing brake,
Our secret,--ah, Thou knowest.
Though it call
Only for pardon, still to Thee I bring
My poor, shamed deed that craved the Beautiful,
--To Thee, the Master-Artist, Who alone
Wilt of Thy grace see in this graceless thing
The pattern marred by the imperfect tool,
And know that dim, wronged pattern for Thine Own.

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This is what I sometimes feel like when I write...that my descriptive words are flat smudges of charcoal on canvas when what I am trying to create is a three-dimensional event, a breathing soul.

I long to make words come alive on the page or in a prayer, or for my work to be a blessing to be of some value, as God creates in His kingdom.

But I have an imperfect tool and imperfect talent.

My good works, good words, are filthy rags except for God's grace. He sees my attempts to paint, or write, or serve, or love. My "poor, shamed work that craved the Beautiful." He recognizes His handprint on me, sees Christ's blood covering my attempts at righteousness and beauty.

God recognizes His pattern in my feeble artwork, and hangs it on His fridge, because He knows me. He delights in me.

I think He looks at the feeble scribbles of life I offer Him and says, "Look what My kid made!"

Be a Duck

When we were in college, my friend Alyson used to say "be a duck!" as a reminder to find peace in response to stressful situations, letting the "rain" of frustration roll off your back.

Look at this duck. What kind of life is that?

Paddle, paddle. Watch the sun sparkle on the water. Quack at your friends. Preen your feathers.
Get your ducklings in a row. Gobble up pieces of soggy bread.

In Genesis 1:21, "God made...every sort of living and moving thing with which the waters were full, and every sort of winged bird, and God saw that it was good."

God definitely likes ducks.

Ducks do exactly what they are supposed to do in God's kingdom plan. Just like they are commanded in Psalm 150:6, "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!" Quack!

Tail-feathers waggle in the air when ducks dive down for a fish dinner, and that brings glory to God!

Because we're blessed with slightly more advanced faculties than the average duck, God gave us a few more responsibilities beyond waggling our tail-feathers. 1Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus toward you."

Rejoice. Pray. Give thanks. In everything.

Even when your dinner is day-old slices of "enriched" white bread. Even when the rain beats down and you have to hide your head under your wing.

Even when you are humiliated by Ernie singing to you in the bathtub.

Even when circumstances in life suddenly become unexpectedly difficult.
Especially then.

It is God's will for us to worship Him, to seek Him for earthly provision and spiritual fulfillment, to give thanks for His abundant grace and promised deliverance. In everything.

May my heart learn to be like Paul's as he writes in Philippians, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

That's the secret of being a duck. Contented trust in my Creator, admiration of the earthly beauty around me, finding my place in the Kingdom.

Quack! Be a duck! Hallelujah! It is good to sing praises unto our God!

# 34. He's Not That Guy

I have a long list of reasons why I am marrying my fiance, including his passion for the Lord; his unequivocal pursuit of my heart; his strength and comittment to building a healthy relationship; his dedication to social justice and compassion for hurting people; his sarcastic, goofy sense of humor; his admirable work ethic and responsibility. Those are the big things at the top of the list.

Somewhere down towards the middle of the list, between #33. Humbles Me in Speed Scrabble Any Chance He Gets and #35. Makes the Best Hummus I've Ever Had, is this fact: #34. He's Not That Guy.

I've known That Guy, and gone out on a bunch of first dates with That Guy, and I am proud to say that My Guy? Is not That Guy!

Thanks to Sars and Miss Alli (and Regina, apparently) at www.tomatonation.com for making me laugh.

Sars: Whenever a guy whom you initially think is interesting winds up being the same kind of emotionally stunted schmuck you thought you'd dodged this time, there's this "ohhhhh NO . . . he's THAT guy" revelation.

Alli: Exactly. And it's all just so unoriginal. I would at least like someone to come up with a new way of sucking. I've seriously had it with the quasi-dark-souled quasi-artistic Black Turtleneck Slacker, the reigning King of Irony with his collection of Kool-Aid memorabilia, and especially the Smirking Self-Professed Feisty-Girl-Liker who is secretly afraid of every woman except his mom.

Sars: Oh, man. And let's not forget Told He Was Cute Too Many Times In High School Guy and I Know Everything About Your Internet Business Because I Read Forbes Once A Year Ago Guy.

Alli: That's really wrong. Be glad you live in the wrong part of the country for Yes, In Fact I Did Kill That Myself Guy.

Sars: Ew.

Regina: What about Oh, I Don't Watch TV Guy?

Sars: Doesn't Watch TV Guy sucks.

Regina: You know he watches America's Funniest Home Videos.

Sars: Hee. Totally.

Alli: And don't even get me started on Have I Casually Mentioned My SAT Scores Guy. Ooh, I hate that guy.

Sars: What about You'd Better Like My Friends Because You'll Never See Me Without Them Guy?

Alli: And his buddy I Don't Quite Live With My Parents But I Have All Their Old Furniture Guy, and the buddy's roommate, Gets All His Current Events Information From Watching Fox News While Eating Froot Loops Guy, kicked back in the living room.

Sars: Right next to Repeats But Does Not Comprehend Or Accurately Attribute Deep Thoughts Guy, whose acoustic guitar case says "I DON'T BELIEVE IN BEATLES, I JUST BELIEVE IN ME -- FERRIS BUELLER."

Alli: Poor John Lennon.

Sars: That Guy's a close relative of Surely You Don't Listen To The Corporate Schlock Masquerading As Pop Music These Days Guy.

Alli: Who has no friends.

Sars: But is a spiritual brother to Tolerate My Obscure and Painful Jazz Collection Guy.

Alli: And now, let's all wave to Has No Sense Of Humor About Getting Salsa On His Pants Guy.

Regina: How can you have no sense of humor about that? It's salsa! It's your pants!

Sars: And yet he's unamused.

Alli: That seems impossible.

Regina: You know who else is not very funny? I Am Writing The Great American Novel So You Can Get The Check Again Guy.

Alli: Ah, yes. And There's Only One Place To Sit In My Apartment And I Sit There Because It Faces The PlayStation, So Make Yourself Comfortable On That Plastic Crate With The Folded Blanket On It Guy.

Regina: Oh, wait. Is he the same as Hey Why Don't I Make You Dinner, Oh Wait The Only Things In The Fridge Are An Opened Can Of Schlitz And Half An Egg Roll, So Why Don't We Just Run Down To Burrito Palace And Pick Up Some Nachos To Go Or Something Guy? Because he sounds vaguely familiar.

Sars: Yeah, that's him. On Opposite Day he takes the guise of I Went To Italy On My Parents' Credit Card For Two Weeks, And Now I'm A Fascist About Olive Oil And Can't Consider Funyuns A "Valid" Snack, Even Ironically Guy.

Regina: Hee, Opposite Day.

Alli: Snacks are a double-edged sword, though. I'm not crazy about I Eat Circus Peanuts And Pez For Lunch Because It Gives Me A Sense Of Whimsy Guy either.

Sars: He's eating circus peanuts. Nobody is excited about that guy except the Brach's Corporation, and even they're like, "We have to keep making these things? What is WITH That Guy?" On the other hand, he's better than I Just Want To Be As Honest As I Can Guy.

Alli: Oh, but how can you be mad at him when he's a jerk? He Just Wants To Be As Honest As He Can! It's not his fault! Nothing is his fault! He's just being honest!

Regina: The problem with That Guy is that he is totally not genuine. Or interesting.

Sars: Or he treats you like, because you're a woman, you're just some kind of irrational swirl of nonsensical behaviors. Don't do that, That Guy.

Alli: He can't help it. He's just That Guy!

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So in case you were wondering about some of the reasons why I love my fiance...

# 34. He's Not That Guy.

who am i anyway?

Recently, I received a discouraging result from an on-line job application. The 50-question survey indicated that while I placed "High Value on Practical Application of Theory," I placed "Low Value on Student Learning." Ouch.

I disagree, obviously, and wonder which questions I answered incorrectly. I'm not confident that this school will want to hire me.

It's hard to know how to respond to an evaluation like this. I'm reminded of the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, which was that I had "a negative influence on students."

I mean, what can you say after something like that? "Nuh-uh!" just doesn't seem adequate.

After that evaluation, and again after this on-line application questionnaire, I had to ask myself some tough questions about myself as a teacher, and as a human being. I concluded that an on-line survey couldn't begin to understand personal teaching style, and there was enough evidence to the contrary about my influence on students, that I didn't need to abandon this particular career ship.

Believe me, I've considered it.

It makes me think of the lyrics from A Chorus Line:

Who am I anyway?
Am I my resume?
This is a picture of a person I don't know.
What do they want from me?
What should I try to be?
So many faces all around, and here I go...

I'm grateful for what the Lord has revealed about my identity...the promises of scripture that I am His beloved child, His chosen worshipper, His equipped ambassador, His forgiven friend.

Those are the quintessential elements of who I am...who I am striving to be.

And while I don't know what I'll do to pay the bills, I have peace that the Lord knows me much better than any on-line survey or school administrator, and He says that I am worthy to work in His Kingdom.

That's the best evaluation I can ever hope for.

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On a sort of unrelated note, I've had some down-time at work today, and ended up taking a bunch of silly on-line surveys like "Which Breakfast Cereal Are You?" (Raisin Bran) and "What's Your Professional Wrestler Name?" (Chainsaw Terror or Spitfire). Yeah... I took it twice... so what?

I think I was trying to assuage my hurt feelings from the job interview survey. Just for the record, not only do I place "Low Value on Student Learning," but if I were a leprechaun, my name would be Lorna Kirwan.








If I were a 50's housewife, my name would be Regina Shirley. Sounds like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

I am also from the planet Mercury. For whatever that's worth.

Hey...maybe the school should hire Regina Shirley! I bet she values student learning.

numbers make me tired

1 Inch added to the hem of my fiance's wedding pants

2 Radio stations between Omaha and St. Joseph

3 Items accidentally left at the fiance's house

4 Types of Doritos at reunion picnic

5 Years since I graduated from Sterling College

6 Kinds of dessert served at our couple's bridal shower

7 Dead skunks on the side of the road

8 Items crossed off my to-do list today

9 Boxes of my belongings moved to the fiance's house this trip

10 Minutes late The Amazing Race started on Sunday

13 Friends at the SC Class of '01 reunion

61 Dollars for a Missouri Marriage License

310 Love Gift dollars in the Living Room Furniture Fund

588 1/2 Hours until the wedding

900 Students at Derrick Thomas Academy, where I interviewed for a reading specialist position

1283 Miles put on my car this weekend

Value of fellowship with old friends, parents, and my home church family? Infinite.

the saddest funnie

Hobbes: Wow, you're working on your report already? It's not due till Thursday!

Calvin: Yeah, I know...Mom says the pills must be working.

Hobbes: Well, it's snowing outside. I thought maybe we could...(Calvin ignores him)...I don't know...you tell me.

Calvin: Sorry, I wasn't listening...I really have to finish this.

And then Hobbes just...isn't...anymore.

Apple Cheeks

What an amazing bunch of women! Apple cheeks on every one of them!

Holly Hunter was the voice of Elasti-Girl in The Incredibles!

Molly Ringwald was the cherry-flavored darling of the John Hughes trifecta: Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Pretty in Pink!

Too bad Sheryl Crow's cover of Cat Stevens' "First Cut is the Deepest" leaves out the best line in the whole song, because otherwise, I am in great company.

Other pictures produced matches to David Don't-Hassel-the-hoff.
Apple cheeks, indeed.

That Face

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me,
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Then I saw his face,
Now I'm a believer!
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love, I'm a believer!
I couldn't leave him if I tried.